Category Archives: #RandomBae

10Apr/17

#RandomBae 10


It was Sunday afternoon, Niyi was back at home and his girlfriend was visiting. It was a nice afternoon, church had been wonderful, everything looked great but he had a something huge to worry about. About a month ago he lost his job but that was okay, he had already interviewed at three other organizations. He knew something was going to turn up but it was taking longer than he hoped. He had spent most of what he had and he was left with just twenty thousand naira. Losing that twenty thousand was exactly what he was worried about.
It all started when his cousin came to him with an idea.
“Niyi, I just bet 10 K on TBoss to win Big Brother Nigeria.”
Niyi shook his head and laughed. His cousin was a gambler, a serial gambler. Unfortunately he was a successful one so there was nothing anyone could say to dissuade him. Niyi was not a gambler, he had never placed a bet in his life. He had not watched too much of Big Brother either. His subscription expired just a week into the show and before he got another to renewing the subscription, he lost his job.
“Look Niyi, TBoss is going to win for sure. Just check the trends.”
Even though he did not watch the show, he could not argue with what he saw online. Everybody he knew was voting for TBoss. Even his girlfriend.
“How much do you have right now?” His cousin asked.
“Twenty thousand.”
“How long can that last you?”
Niyi did not have a good answer to that question. His cousin was a born salesman and he sold him on the bet. Niyi had no clue how everything worked but he trusted his professional gambler cousin with his twenty thousand.
Now he waited, fingers crossed for the show to end.
That afternoon, he and his girlfriend ate the last thing chicken and chips in his fridge. It was his last supper, except this was lunch. Now all he had to do was wait.
***
The winner had been announced and he and his cousin along with everybody he knew were wrong, TBoss did not win. He started to panic but he told himself to calm down. His cousin was too good to lose all the money, something good could still come out of this. And thank God, at least TBoss came third.
He went to sleep that night with hope in his heart. Everything will be fine in the morning.
He woke the next morning to a knock on his door. He slid off the bed and stumbled to the door. He opened it and his cousin entered.
“Oh boy, see walaha yesterday o. I no believe am.” His cousin said.
“How do you make money off this gambling when you cannot even predict who will win simple big brother Nigeria?”
“Even the best miss it sometimes so don’t blame me.”
Niyi went back to the bed and got under the sheets. One of the advantages of joblessness was spending Monday mornings on the bed.
“Hope you are fine sha. You are not going to starve or anything?”
Niyi smiled. “No, I won’t starve. So TBoss didn’t win, it’s not like I lost everything.”
“I like your attitude.” His cousin said. “In fact, for that attitude, I’ll make another bet for you. Arsenal versus Crystal Palace tonight.”
“No, I’m not turning to a gambler like you just because I won some money on my first gamble.”
“You won money? What did you bet on?”
Niyi chuckled. “Very funny.”
“Alright then, it’s time to leave.” His cousin said. “I just came to see if you were fine.”
“You’ve not gone to the betting place yet?”
“Of course not, it’s too early.” He said. ”It’s a little less now so I’m going now.”
“Before you go, so how much did I win?”
His cousin turned back and looked at him. “How much did you win where?”
“Last night’s bet now, on Tboss.”
“Are you crazy? Didn’t we just talk about her not winning?”
“Yeah, she wasn’t first but she was third.”
“So?”
“First, second and third wins something, right?” His heart was racing now.
His cousin laughed. He laughed so hard, he ended up in a coughing fit.
“Do you think this is Olympics or World Cup? Only first place takes the money.”
Niyi smiled, very nervous but still hanging on to hope. “I know only Efe won the money but I’m talking about my bet. The person I bet on came third, how much do I get for that?”
“Oh God, my cousin is a fool.”
Niyi jumped off the bed. “I don’t win anything?”
“Your money is gone! Finished. Disappeared.”
Niyi put his hands on his head and thought about how stupid he was. He had no clue how this betting thing worked yet he put all he had into it. He had to get a job soon or he was in big trouble. It did not even matter if he got a job, he was already in trouble. He would never forgive himself for this foolishness.
“Niyi?” His cousin called him. “So about that Arsenal match? It’s a sure game, Arsenal will win. Are you in?”

09Apr/17

#RandomBae 9


Jude woke up with a smile on his face. For the first time in two years, he was still on his bed by 9 AM on a Monday morning. He was getting married in a week and even his ‘Adolf Hitler’ boss agreed he needed some time to prepare. And his preparation was going to start with another round of sleep. He pulled the sheets over his head and snuggled against the pillow. Sweet dreams Jude.
His phone rang and he sat up. He immediately reached for the phone but he stopped. He was already used to answering the phone at first ring but not today. He was on vacation so nobody would call him from the office. He let the phone ring out and smiled, it felt good. The phone rang again, this time he picked up the phone. What? It was his boss. Why on earth was he calling him?
“Hello sir?”
“Where are you?” Adolf Hitler bellowed.
“I’m at home sir. It is my…”
“You are at home? At 9 O’clock?”
He was confused. “Sir, you said I could stay home for the whole week?”
“Are you sick?” The boss asked.
“No sir, but…”
“Are you dead?”
“No sir but I…”
“Do you still work here?”
“No, I mean yes sir but I’m…”
“If you’re not here in the next one hour, consider yourself fired.”
The call ended and Jude starred at his phone. What just happened? Was his boss drinking again? It did not matter, he needed to get to the office. Doing it in one hour would be a miracle though. He jumped off his bed and ran into the bathroom. He took off his clothes as fast as he could and turned on the shower. Nothing. No, not today. His neighbours had forgotten to pump water. There was power at the moment, he could pump the water but he did not have the time.
He ran into the kitchen and picked five sachets of water from the fridge. This was not going to be great. He got to the bathroom, opened one of the sachets into a bowl and poured a little on his head. The water flowed to his back and he shook so violently he almost fell. This would not work. He had not done it in years but that morning Jude went back to the boarding house method of ‘Rub and Shine’.
Ten minutes later he was in his car and backing out of his compound. He turned into the road and sped for the highway. He said a silent prayer, binding every spirit of traffic or slow drivers on his way. He was on the road for about five minutes when his phone beeped. He picked it and looked. He had a text from his boss.
‘Forty minutes more.’
He shook his head and put the phone down. He’d wanted to resign for a long time, maybe today was the day he would do it. But he knew he couldn’t. He was about to get married, he could not be jobless right now. He sighed and turned his attention to the road.
Another ten minutes passed and he was doing well. At this rate he would be in the office on time and put the devil and his boss to shame. Although they were probably one and the same. His phone beeped again. He looked at the phone and it was his boss again.
‘Thirty minutes more.’
Okay, it was becoming creepy now.
Ten minutes later the phone beeped again but it did not look at it this time. He was ten minutes away from the office and he was not likely to meet any traffic at this point, there was no need to stress.
He turned off the road into the street that led to his office. He was home free, thank God. His phone beeped again. He smiled and picked up the phone. Of course it was his boss again.
‘Ten minutes more. Please come late. Your job is already on Jobberman.’
Jude laughed, the man did not even know about Jobberman until the previous week, now he was using it as a threat.
Out of the corner of his eyes he saw a yellow shirt step in front of his car and instinctively his legs marched the brakes. He looked and it was LATSMA officer and he had his hand up.
“No, not today.” Jude said.
He stopped and rolled down his window.
“Can you please open your booth sir?” The officer said.
“Is there a problem? Please I’m in a hurry.”
“If you’re in a hurry then come down and open the booth on time.”
Well, he was right. Jude stepped out of the car and opened the booth. It was empty and the officer nodded, he was satisfied. Jude ran back into the car. He had about seven minutes left but he would still make it.
“Thank you Officer.” Jude said and put the car in gear.
“Can I see your particulars please?” The Officer said.
“What?” Jude could not believe this.
“Your particulars, can I see them?”
“No!” Jude said before he could stop himself.
“What?”
“No, you cannot see my particulars. In fact I’m leaving now.”
The front passenger door opened and another officer he had not noticed, entered the car.
“I am taking you to the station now.” The second officer said.
Jude smiled. “Okay.”
He pushed the accelerator and the car jumped forward. He had four minutes and he needed speed to make it.
“This is not the way to our station.” The Officer said.
Jude smiled. “This is the way to my station.”
“Stop, I want to come down.”
“Sorry, I can’t stop now.”
He saw the look of worry on the Officer’s face. The guy was really a coward. His colleagues weren’t so far behind, what was he afraid of?
“Oga, stop this vehicle.”
“In a minute.” Jude said. “See, I’m getting married in a week. If I stop to drop you that marriage will be in trouble. Do you understand?”
The Officer looked at him. “No.”
Well, that was his problem. He looked at his watch, two minutes more. He parked outside his office compound, he would get the car later. He jumped out of the car and pushed the ‘lock’ button on the key.
“Hey.” He had someone scream.
He looked back, the officer was still in the car. He pushed the ‘unlock’ button on the car and the officer came out but did not close the door.
“Close the door, I need to lock the door.” Jude shouted.
“You will regret this Mister man.” The officer said.
“Close the damned door.” Jude shouted.
The officer didn’t. Jude left him and the car, the officer could do whatever he wanted with the car. He ran into the compound and was about climbing the stairs when his phone beeped.
He looked;
‘Time up, pick your termination letter at the reception.’
Jude shook his head, no, he could not get fired like this. Not now. He ran up the stairs as fast as he could. He got to the reception and looked at the receptionist. She was about to say something to him but he walked away from her and headed for his boss’ office. He got to the door and knocked.
He bowed his head. “God, please grant me favour.”
He opened the door and entered. His boss looked up as he entered.
“Jude?”
“Sir, I’m really sorry…”
“What are you doing here?” His boss asked.
“You asked me to come sir.” Jude said. “And I’m so sorry I came later than you said, I had some problems with some officers on the way.”
“Aren’t you on leave?”
Jude did not understand what was going on. Was this a trick?
“Jude, you are getting married in a week, why on earth are you in the office?”
“Sir, you called me this morning and said I should be here before 10 AM. You’ve sent me like four messages after that call saying the same thing.”
“Wait a minute.” The boss said and picked up his phone. “I called you?”
“Yes sir, you called me.”
“Oh no. I wanted to call Justin.”
Jude bowed his head and sighed. He was not sure if he should be angry or happy.
“Jude, go home and get married.”
Jude stood still and stared at the man.
“Get out, I need to make a call.”
Jude wanted to destroy a few things in the office before leaving but then that would cost him his job for sure. He turned around and headed for the door.
“Hello Justin.” He heard his boss say on the phone. “If you don’t get here in one hour, consider yourself fired.” He paused. “Oh, you are in the office already? Never mind then.”
Jude dragged his feet as he walked out of the office. At least he still had his job, everything was going to be fine.
He stepped outside the compound and stopped; his car had been towed.

07Apr/17

#RandomBae 7


Before I met her I was in the ‘Love is Overrated’ club. And I mean that literally. We didn’t call it that but we were a group of friends who believed there was nothing like love. We moved around campus looking for couples who looked like they were in love and we would ruin whatever they were doing. It was fun, very fun. But now I look back I think it was just mean. But you know some times meanness can be a whole lot of fun.
Then I met her.
First time I saw her, she came to visit my roommate. He was a member of our club so I knew he wasn’t looking for anything serious with her. Unfortunately she did not know that. Something about her intrigued me and I started asking my friend lots of questions about her. He knew my stand on love so he did not suspect anything. She kept coming, he kept saying aloof, I kept getting interested. Until my moment came.
He had traveled and in his usual noncommittal manner he did not tell her about it. She came to visit and there we were, alone in the room.
“What? He traveled?” She said, her emotions, a mix of anger and sadness.
I looked at her and smiled. “I’m sorry but he’s a little stupid, I thought you knew.”
She looked at me, confused then she saw I was joking and she smiled a little.
“I guess I’ll just go then.” She said and started to leave.
“No.” I said, a little louder than was required.
She turned back. “What?”
“No, you shouldn’t leave like this. You are too sad.” I said. “Have you heard about this new stuff? They say all the cool kids are trying it now.”
“What?”
“Ice-cream.” I said and she chuckled. “I hear it’s a women’s best friend.”
“I thought a dog is a woman’s best friend.”
“No, dogs are man’s best friend. Ice-cream is a woman’s best friend.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
I picked my wallet. “How about I buy you some and you can decide yourself?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to disturb you.”
“No, I actually want to do this.” I said. “I’ve wanted to do this for a long time.”
She looked at me like she didn’t understand but she did. I know she did.
A few days later my roommate returned and I told him I was stealing his girl. He told me I shouldn’t bother, she was a relationship type of girl. I shrugged, I wanted to try anyway.
A month later, he discovered I was now a relationship guy and he was furious. He called a meeting of our sad little club and I was summarily excommunicated. They did not stop there, they went on to ruin our dates, so many of them. It was at this point I realized there was no fun in what we did, it was just wicked and mean and anti-everything good.
A year later we graduated from school and my old club boys could not touch us anymore. I’d gone from been against love to being in love and a preacher of it. I could not imagine being out of love, not anymore. And to secure that, two years after we graduated from school, I asked her to marry me. Eight months after the proposal, she became Mrs. Me.
In the first few months of marriage, I looked for my old friends because I was seriously considering rejoining the club. Maybe familiarity bred contempt or security bred carelessness but something was breeding something and it was not great for us. It was not great for me. I loved her still, I knew I did but was it enough? Was love truly overrated like I believed back in the day?
Six months into the marriage, she became pregnant and I think I had something to do with that. In those months of pregnancy I saw her at her at her most vulnerable. A part of me loved taking care of her, another part of me hated becoming an errand boy. But every part of me could not think of being somewhere else.
Time came for her to give birth and I drove her to the hospital. Nobody could stop me from smiling even if they used a wrench to remove all my teeth. Or so I thought.
She went into labour and I was back wondering if love was overrated. My wife was going through all this pain because we were stupid enough to make love. It looked like everywhere love touched, it brought pain. I watched my wife cry and sweat. And she watched me cry and sweat. I went through six bottles of coke and a few stares from the hospital staff. But it all came to an end with a cry. This time not from me or her but from him.
He cried and she cried and I cried but I’d never been happier. I looked at her holding him and wondered if love was still overrated, maybe it was but this was not the time to decide.
“Daddy, will you like to hold you boy?” A nurse asked.
“Who? Me?” I asked.
“You’re the Dad, aren’t you?”
“I think so.” I said, smiling sheepishly.
The nurse put him gently in my arms. I looked at his small, unusually red face; he looked nothing like me or his mother.
“Yo!” I whispered to him.
His eyes opened and he looked at me and even though his mouth did not move, I think he said it back. I looked at my wife on the bed, she looked terrible but I’d never loved her more. I loved them both, more than my own life. I was right about being wrong, I loved love.
The only person who could say love is overrated is one who has not known the joy of true loving.

06Apr/17

#RandomBae 6


The whole town of Alegongo was in turmoil; the King’s only son had run into the evil forest. The palace was in uproar; women were crying, men were stomping, children were hiding. Asake, the daughter of Alade the court jester had seen the Prince go into the evil forest. From a corner Ojo, the town’s best dancer watched everything with keen interest.
A bell rang in front of the palace and the women stopped crying, the men stopped stomping and the children, well the children remained in hiding. Ifayose, the Priest was at the gate. A dead silence fell on the whole crowd as the King stepped out of the palace. He walked across the yard, his head bowed and his legs heavy. He stopped in front of the Priest.
“What have I done that the gods have given me a stupid son?” The King asked.
“My king, this is not the time for questions but we know a child can only take after his father.”
Ojo wanted to laugh but he knew it would cost him his head.
“Or his mother.” The Chief Priest added. “But like I said, this is not the time for questions. The gods have told us what to do to get the Prince back.”
“The gods will return my son?”
“Yes, my king, they will.”
The crowd murmured with surprise and fear. Ojo didn’t blame them. Everyone knew the gods never gave anything for free.
“And what price must we pay?”
“Seven young men, my King.”
“Seven men?”
The gods were getting greedier in their thirst for Alegongo’s young men.
“Seven young men in three days.” The Priest said.
“And what are we to do to the young men?” The king asked.
Silence filled the palace as the people waited for the Chief Priest to respond.
“Nothing.” He said.
“Nothing?” The king was surprised.
“The young men will go into the evil forest to bring back the prince.”
“So they will come back alive?”
“They may.” The chief priest said. “If the gods allow it.”
***
The young men of Alegongo gathered in the village square to find out which of them would go into the evil forest to get the prince. The women and old men were gathered also, praying the Priest would not pick their children. Ojo did not have a family, he had no one praying for him.
The King had told the young men they were doing their town a big favour and one day children would write songs about them. Ojo knew this was a lie. He had been a child once and he or his friends never wrote any songs about anybody. His eyes caught Akintunde the town’s best wrestler. Akintunde would be picked for sure. It would not be a bad idea too. It would mean no competition for Asake.
The bell rang and the young men stood upright.
The Priest walked into the village square and looked the men over. Ojo hated that a single man would determine the fate of seven people he had no hand in bringing to the world or raising.
“Odepidan, the hunter.” The chief Priest said. Ojo closed his eyes, it had begun.
“Osunshowo, the fisherman.
“Owolari, the trader.
“Arapalulu, the drummer.
“James, the teacher.
“Ogungbemi, the blacksmith.”
Ojo sighed, Akintunde the wrestler was going to be seventh person.
“And last and the least,” The Chief Priest said. “Ojo, the dancer.”
Ojo froze. No way, he had heard wrong. No, he could not go to the evil forest, this was a mistake.
“Ojo, the dancer.” The Chief Priest said again.
Ojo looked around, the other six men were already in front of the Chief Priest. He moved forward slowly, hoping his lethargy will make the Priest angry and substitute him. It did not work.
“Young men,” The Priest started. “I did not choose any of you, the gods did. They have appointed you for a reason. They have promised me some of you will return if you do not show fear. And my children, I promise you, there is nothing to fear.”
Ojo raised his hand. The Priest looked at him with disdain but he did not care, he needed to know something.
“You said we have nothing to fear in the evil forest?” Ojo asked.
“Yes, nothing to fear.”
“Have you ever been there?”
“No I haven’t.” The Priest said. “But my father has.”
Maybe this wasn’t as bad as he thought. “And your father said there was nothing to fear?”
“No, he didn’t say so. He never came back.” The Priest said, with a straight face to Ojo’s astonishment. “Now, young men, say goodbye to your family members and meet me here by sunset. You will receive your instructions and by midnight you begin your journey.”
Ojo had no one to say goodbye to. He looked around and saw Asake talking to Akintunde: she had moved on already. Maybe dying in the evil forest was not a bad idea. At least there was a chance that children would sing songs about his bravery. Or cowardice. It did not matter as long as they sang about him. He would do it. He would go to the evil forest, he would save the prince and he come back alive. He did not care what Asake, Akintunde or anyone else thought about him. He was a brave man and he would prove it to all of them.
***
Sunset came and the young men were gathered at the village square. But there was a problem, there were only six men.
“Where is Ojo?” The Priest bellowed.
Nobody knew but Ojo was in the town across the river. He had skinned his head and drawn tribal marks on his face. And his name was now Ibiyemi.
He would never return to Alegongo so he would never hear the song they sang about him.
Ojo, the wise one
He ran away from Alegongo and the evil forest
He saw death and fled
Ojo, the wise one, he considered himself first.

05Apr/17

#RandomBae 5


People called Shakur (his father was a huge TuPac fan) crazy when he told them his future ambition was to win a reality show. But he was not joking. It was a goal and like any other goal, he had to prepare for it.
When it was time to pick a class in senior secondary school, Shakur went to the Arts class. He studied hard, graduated as best student in his set. Everybody said he would be a great law student, but he applied for and got admitted into the department of performing arts. His parents were disappointed, so were his teachers. They believed he was throwing away great potential but he was not, he had a plan.
Four years later, he graduated as best student in performing arts. Once again his parents and teachers were on his side, they could sense his determination to succeed. Maybe performing arts wasn’t a bad idea, they said. His parents gathered money and sent him to the New York film Academy. He put a lot of effort in at the school, learnt some filmmaking but spent majority of his time learning how to act. Even his American teachers saw something in Shakur.
One year later, he was back in Nigeria and he applied for the Big Brother Nigeria contest. He was nervous as he waited to know if he would make the auditions. But he waited and waited until the show started. He did not even hear back from the organizers. He was crushed. He’d waited and worked all his life for this opportunity.
But he’d learnt something very important that was going to help him. If others did not give you the opportunity you deserved, create the opportunity yourself. People might call you crazy or think you don’t know what you’re doing but eventually success wins everybody over.
So he made a plan, if Big Brother would not take him, he would start his own show.
It was stupid.
He was a copycat.
Nobody will watch it.
People he pitched the story to told him every reason it wouldn’t work. They called him names. They even said Big Brother would sue. But he was not fazed.
He’d made connections while he was at the New York Film academy and they were willing to listen to him. The only question they all asked was; how is this different from Big Brother Nigeria?
“It is very different.” He told them. “Big Brother is a show where contestants go against each other. In my show, the contestants go against the world.”
“How does that happen?”
“We take ten contestants, take them to a town where they don’t speak the language and drop them there. We don’t contact them, at least not to their knowledge except when they are evicted. We cover everything they do; their interactions with the locals, each other but they are completely on their own.”
Most people laughed off the idea, called it expensive and stupid but all he needed was one person who could sponsor it. He found the person. He had only one condition for allowing anybody use this idea; he had to be one of the ten contestants. All he wanted was to show the world who he was and what he could do. The sponsor agreed, why not? The sponsor had a condition too, nobody could know the show was his. He would know nothing of what went on behind the scenes, not even the town they were going to. That was no problem, he agreed to it.
It took a year to make it work but finally his show was starting.
On a cold night in January, Shakur and nine other Nigerians were dropped in Tykocin in Poland. A small town of 2,000 people. They were given houses, food supplies, clothes, a map and an audio dictionary.
Shakur was excited. This was it. All his dreams were about to be achieved. He had prepared all his life for this show and he was going to win it.
His parents, his teachers, everyone who doubted or supported him in the past were rooting for him this time. They could all see this is where every other thing he had done led to. They did not know he created the show but they all told him he would own the show. His friends had even created a special fund to finance voting for him.
He looked in the mirror before he went to sleep that night.
“This is your show Shak and you are going to win it.”
While Shakur motivated himself before bed, his less serious opponents spent their first night drinking and toasting to the mayhem they were about to unleash on Tykocin.
The first eviction took place the morning after the contestants’ arrival in Poland. Shakur was evicted.

04Apr/17

#RandomBae 8


It was the night of my bachelorette party but all my friends were running late. All of them. I understood if my friends came late, they all thought being late was fashionable but not my sister. She was born two weeks before her due date and that became her life, always early. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled, if only they could allow me wear this short pink gown for my wedding. I shook off the silly thought from my head and dialed Bolu, my maid of honour again. Still she did not answer. Wait a minute, what if something had happened to them? Oh my God.
A knock sounded on my door.
That had to be them. I ran to the door and opened. A delivery man stood at the door.
“Are you Olivia Michael Ajibola?” He asked.
“Well, not yet.” I said with a smile. “I’m still Olivia Olatunji for now.”
“They said you might say that. I have a package for you outside, could you please come with me?”
I hesitated, why should I just follow this man? I was curious though, what package did he bring that was too big to bring inside. I had to know. I ran after him.
I stepped out of the house and I stopped. A black limousine was packed outside my gate. I chuckled, then I laughed and laughed some more. My girls were the best. My neighbours were starring but I didn’t care.
“Will you step in please?” The delivery man asked.
Wait a minute, what if I was being kidnapped? I shrugged, if the kidnappers went through all this trouble, the least I could do was follow them. I entered the car. As soon as I entered the car I knew this was not a kidnap. There were cards all over the seats, handwritten cards. I read through them one by one and laughed then cried; my girls were awesome. The only problem was, I did not recognize any of the names on the cards and they were male names.
The car pulled over and the delivery man, now my chauffeur opened my door. I looked up the building in front of me, this was not the venue of my bachelorette party. The building was some sort of theater but I’d never been here.
“Come with me please.” He said.
“Are the girls here?”
He did not respond. Well, the girls had to be here. What else could it be?
I followed him through a dimly lit corridor. As we approached the door at the end of the corridor, I started to hear music. So, they rented a theater for a bachelorette party, my oh so wasteful friends. We got to the door and the chauffeur opened it. I stepped into the building and frowned; there was no one in here. Then I looked in the direction of the music and I screamed.
Cobhams! Cobhams with a piano!
“Hello Olivia.” He said.
“Hi.” I replied. I was grateful he couldn’t see how much of my teeth I was showing, it was creepy.
“Come up here.” He said.
I ran up the stairs to the stage where he was seated and hugged him.
“So nice to meet you.” I said, after I caught my breath.
“I heard you like to sing.” He said.
“You heard right.” I could not wait to hear what he would say next.
“Do you know ‘Empty’?”
“I know ‘Empty’ like I know every other song on your album.” I could not stop giggling.
He started to play on the piano and then sang the first verse of the song. He nudged me and I started to sing the chorus then he joined me. I could not believe what was happening. I was actually singing with Cobhams. The theater was empty but I did not care, this could have been the Superbowl and I wouldn’t have felt any better.
We did two more songs. I could tell even Cobhams was surprised with our synergy. I wasn’t, I’d practiced this so many times in my bathroom, it came naturally.
“There’s one more thing before you go.” He said.
“What? You want to give a recording contract?” I asked.
“I think I want to but that’s not it. Let’s go sit with the audience for a minute.”
We went down the stairs and sat in the front seat. A LED screen I’d not noticed before came on.
“What are we watching?” I asked.
He did not respond.
A minute later my face came on the screen. What! It was a footage of me joking around with my roommates in the University. Then another footage took its place. It was one of me trying to learn how to ride a bike.
“Oh my God, what is this?”
“A movie I guess.” Cobhams said.
“It’s a movie made from footages of me.” I exclaimed. “Oh my God.”
It was really a movie, they even gave it a story line. I could not believe this.
By the time the movie was done twenty minutes later I was exhilarated. The chauffeur came and said it was time to go. This was the best day of my life. I hugged Cobhams so tight, he had to push me away so he could breathe. I cried all the way from the theater to the car. I got into the car and cried some more.
A few minutes later, the car parked and the chauffeur opened the door. This time we were at the venue for my bachelorette party. I jumped out of the car and ran, crying into the house. I got to the door and pushed it open. The room was empty. What was happening now? Was Denzel Washington hiding behind the curtains?
A big TV screen on the wall came on and pictures started to slide across the screen. They were picture of today. Pictures of me reading the cards and crying. Pictures of me singing with Cobhams. Pictures of me watching the move. Pictures of me crying in the car again; some of those weren’t so pretty. Pictures of me running into the house. And then there was a picture of me standing in front of the Big TV.
“Who is doing this?” I shouted.
Then I saw them; my fiancé’s best friends. The four of them, stood there looking at me, smiling. I wanted to run and hug them but I just stood there looking at them, tears streaming down my face.
“Enjoyed the night?” Dami, one of the friends asked.
I tried to respond but I choked on the tears.
“The cards were from every single friend of Michael we could find. Sorry if some of them were silly, you know guys now.”
I smiled through the tears, some of them were indeed silly.
I heard someone scream behind me and I turned around to see my friends, all of them. They ran to me and hugged me. I looked back to see the guys but there they were gone.
“Did you guys see all of that?” I asked.
“Yes.” Bolu answered. “You are the luckiest person in the world.”
“No, I’m not. Michael is the luckiest.”
He had the best friends in the world.

04Apr/17

#RandomBae 4


Should I say yes to him?
My name is Ibukun and I want to tell you about my fiancé.
I met Ahmed for the first time twelve years ago, I was in the university and was about starting my first relationship. He came around, trying to boss his way into my life. I was young, I was trying to be independent and I kicked him to the curbs. He did not go away though. Consistently for twelve years he’s kept coming back. Sometimes I fear that I fell in love with his tenacity and not him. But I’ll let you be the judge of that.
About a year ago, Ahmed came back into the picture with full force. He was very serious this time, I could tell. A succession of bad boyfriends including my recent ex; Jonah, certainly made the prospects of Ahmed more attractive. I’d said ‘no’ to him severally but something about him was different this time. All my fears about him forcing me to his own religion, dictating control of my life or even his age were no longer issues. Ahmed looked like a totally different person.
Ahmed has a lot of wonderful friends. Rich friends, intelligent friends, celebrity friends. He has lots of friends, I genuinely love and respect. So, when these guys started coming to me one by one to tell me what Ahmed would do for me if I agreed to marry him, I could not resist. Ahmed didn’t say much or make any promises himself but I wouldn’t too if I had such great friends to do my talking for me. Who needs to hear from the horse’s mouth if his Unicorn friends can speak, right?
And speaking of friends, I need to mention Ahmed’s best friend; Yomi.
Yomi is a dream guy. If I met him first and under different circumstances, maybe I would be marrying him. Yomi is a lawyer, a very good one and after spending so much time with him, I’m convinced he would be a better husband than even Ahmed. But you know they say a man is the average of his five closest friends, if Ahmed is twenty percent as intelligent as Yomi, then I can totally live with that.
Don’t judge me but I consider a man’s looks very important. In fact, judge me if you want, because every girl does. I’d never seen Ahmed as a very handsome man but boy was I wrong. I don’t know if he did it for my benefit but he recently opened an Instagram page and I can’t sleep without checking to see what new picture he’s uploaded. His photographer, an angel most likely, has done a great job. Beautiful pictures of Ahmed flood my timeline. Ahmed in suit, Ahmed in agbada, Ahmed in a top hat, I even saw one he took with one cute little boy. My Ahmed is now so on point.
I know I’m so in love with Ahmed but not everybody in my family is. They claim even though he’s rich now, it is no guarantee of my financial future. They say he’s too old: they tell me to wait for a younger man. Some say he’s been out of the game for so long he might not even be able to perform his husbandly duties, you know what I mean. That part is scary. And to crown it all up, my crazy uncle from Ekiti says he’s going to make me a young widow. He says he won’t last four years.
I hope you can understand my dilemma. I love Ahmed and he is a good man but I don’t want to become poor to the point where going abroad becomes impossible. I don’t want a husband who will spend most of his time in his hospital. More importantly, I don’t want my crazy uncle telling me ‘I told you so’.
What do you think I should do? Marry Ahmed or No?

03Apr/17

#RandomBae 3


I noticed these guys from my first day in the University. I knew the kind of people they were from the first look and I was sure we weren’t going to be friends. You see, every department has guys like Akin, Nathaniel, Eze, Josiah, Molade and Geoffrey. They were the guys everybody loved to hate. They were good boys. They were never late to class. They never forgot to do their assignments and always reminded the lecturer to collect them at the appropriate time. They always tucked in their shirts and took motion pictures. Somehow, they always had the attention of the girls too. Even though they were lords and masters of the friend zone, they were blocking me, a guy who was interested in more than just friendship.
Well, it had gone on too long and I was determined to let them have it. And our seminar presentations was the perfect occasion.
Naturally, they were all in the same group. (Why wouldn’t they spread their intelligence across six different groups? Selfish bastards.) This wasn’t their first time presenting together. They always had this tag-team method, where everybody will speak and seamlessly hand over to the next person. They always got a hundred percent for teamwork. Assholes. I knew what I had to do was simple; destroy that seamless flow.
I was quite intelligent myself, my only problem was, I used my intelligence for evil. I spent all my time planning pranks, filming them and posting them on Instagram. So, this was not supposed to be difficult for me, this was my territory.
There were three easy go to options;
Get some laxative into their drink so they’d spend all day, tag-teaming the toilet.
Drop some sleeping pills into their drinks so they’ll be awesome on the bed.
Or the last option, which I eventually went; get them high!
This wasn’t difficult at all. I had a pizza guy, I had a guy who sold weed and I had a guy who could deliver the pizza for just 200 bucks.
I called my pizza guy, called my weed guy and got the pizza supercharged. I called my delivery guy and he dropped off the pizza to our little geniuses. Who was the tag-team champion now?
My delivery guy told them it was complimentary from the Pizza place. According to him, they were going over their presentation on the walkway, even he was impressed by what they had. Judas. He said they were so surprised and happy with the complimentary pizza they didn’t doubt him for one second. Very intelligent but could still be undone by food: the life of men.
Now, my plans were intact, I called my own group members to see if they had anything planned. They didn’t. So that was another carry over for sure. Well, at least I had a wonderful presentation to look forward to.
I got to the class before anybody, took a seat at the back with two bottles of coke and my own little box of pizza, with just a little weed. Enough to make things interesting but not enough to drive me crazy. A few minutes later, the class was full and it was time for Group A to present. Of course, Group A was reserved for the class geniuses. Getting off to a good start, that’s what the H.O.D. called it.
The H.O.D. called them forward and I sat up in my chair, this was going to be fantastic. They marched forward, looking slow and sorrowful. Was that their reaction to weed? Or was I so high I was seeing the opposite of what was happening?
“Good morning, the head of department, other distinguished lecturers present, my fellow students, ladies and gentlemen.” Eze, the tall one started.
That was way too coordinated for someone who was high. But he said gentlemen, I chuckled, that was so funny. Wait, no, it wasn’t. I pushed my pizza aside, I needed to focus.
“The title of our seminar is…”
“Stop.” The H.O.D. said.
What was this one’s problem now?
“There are six of you in the group?” The H.O.D. asked. “That’s amazing.”
What was amazing about six people in a group? Every group had six. Well, except mine, we had seven.
“Tell me something young men,” The H.O.D. said and stood up. “Did any of your watch Wrestlemania last night?”
What the hell?
The H.O.D. walked up to the boys in front.
“You boys are brilliant, so I need you to analyze something important for me.” The boys nodded, okay. “If I got in the ring with Undertaker, do you think I can beat him in two minutes?”
I shot to my feet. This was not right. I ran down the steps to the front.
“I mean, I have three PhDs.” The H.O.D. continued. “How hard can it be to beat somebody with all power and no brain?”
I got to the front of the class and looked on the H.O.D.’s table.
“Holy crap.” I exclaimed.
The H.O.D. had the marijuana Pizza.
***
If you were me, what would you do?
1. Drop out of school, become a professional prankster
2. Sit back, relax and enjoy the show? Hope you won’t get caught.
3. Go forward and present, your high H.O.D. might just give you an A.
Or do you have another option?

03Apr/17

#RandomBae 3

I noticed these guys from my first day in the University. I knew the kind of people they were from the first look and I was sure we weren’t going to be friends. You see, every department has guys like Akin, Nathaniel, Eze, Josiah, Molade and Geoffrey. They were the guys everybody loved to hate. They were good boys. They were never late to class. They never forgot to do their assignments and always reminded the lecturer to collect them at the appropriate time. They always tucked in their shirts and took motion pictures. Somehow, they always had the attention of the girls too. Even though they were lords and masters of the friend zone, they were blocking me, a guy who was interested in more than just friendship.
Well, it had gone on too long and I was determined to let them have it. And our seminar presentations was the perfect occasion.
Naturally, they were all in the same group. (Why wouldn’t they spread their intelligence across six different groups? Selfish bastards.) This wasn’t their first time presenting together. They always had this tag-team method, where everybody will speak and seamlessly hand over to the next person. They always got a hundred percent for teamwork. Assholes. I knew what I had to do was simple; destroy that seamless flow.
I was quite intelligent myself, my only problem was, I used my intelligence for evil. I spent all my time planning pranks, filming them and posting them on Instagram. So, this was not supposed to be difficult for me, this was my territory.
There were three easy go to options;
Get some laxative into their drink so they’d spend all day, tag-teaming the toilet.
Drop some sleeping pills into their drinks so they’ll be awesome on the bed.
Or the last option, which I eventually went; get them high!
This wasn’t difficult at all. I had a pizza guy, I had a guy who sold weed and I had a guy who could deliver the pizza for just 200 bucks.
I called my pizza guy, called my weed guy and got the pizza supercharged. I called my delivery guy and he dropped off the pizza to our little geniuses. Who was the tag-team champion now?
My delivery guy told them it was complimentary from the Pizza place. According to him, they were going over their presentation on the walkway, even he was impressed by what they had. Judas. He said they were so surprised and happy with the complimentary pizza they didn’t doubt him for one second. Very intelligent but could still be undone by food: the life of men.
Now, my plans were intact, I called my own group members to see if they had anything planned. They didn’t. So that was another carry over for sure. Well, at least I had a wonderful presentation to look forward to.
I got to the class before anybody, took a seat at the back with two bottles of coke and my own little box of pizza, with just a little weed. Enough to make things interesting but not enough to drive me crazy. A few minutes later, the class was full and it was time for Group A to present. Of course, Group A was reserved for the class geniuses. Getting off to a good start, that’s what the H.O.D. called it.
The H.O.D. called them forward and I sat up in my chair, this was going to be fantastic. They marched forward, looking slow and sorrowful. Was that their reaction to weed? Or was I so high I was seeing the opposite of what was happening?
“Good morning, the head of department, other distinguished lecturers present, my fellow students, ladies and gentlemen.” Eze, the tall one started.
That was way too coordinated for someone who was high. But he said gentlemen, I chuckled, that was so funny. Wait, no, it wasn’t. I pushed my pizza aside, I needed to focus.
“The title of our seminar is…”
“Stop.” The H.O.D. said.
What was this one’s problem now?
“There are six of you in the group?” The H.O.D. asked. “That’s amazing.”
What was amazing about six people in a group? Every group had six. Well, except mine, we had seven.
“Tell me something young men,” The H.O.D. said and stood up. “Did any of your watch Wrestlemania last night?”
What the hell?
The H.O.D. walked up to the boys in front.
“You boys are brilliant, so I need you to analyze something important for me.” The boys nodded, okay. “If I got in the ring with Undertaker, do you think I can beat him in two minutes?”
I shot to my feet. This was not right. I ran down the steps to the front.
“I mean, I have three PhDs.” The H.O.D. continued. “How hard can it be to beat somebody with all power and no brain?”
I got to the front of the class and looked on the H.O.D.’s table.
“Holy crap.” I exclaimed.
The H.O.D. had the marijuana Pizza.
***
If you were me, what would you do?
1. Drop out of school, become a professional prankster
2. Sit back, relax and enjoy the show? Hope you won’t get caught.
3. Go forward and present, your high H.O.D. might just give you an A.
Or do you have another option?

02Apr/17

#RandomBae 2


The first time Jerry saw her was at GCE coaching. Unlike most girls he met at his evening classes, she was out of his league. He was a cool guy, handsome and rich; he was a dream for a lot of girls. These girls swarmed around him so for a long time he did not care much about Tolulope. But something pulled him to her today. Maybe it was time he did something about it.
He would, at the right time.
The right time came after Chemistry class. The Biology teacher was late, as usual. He had a small window to carry out his operation.
She was sitting with two girls, they weren’t going to pose any problems; he knew them both. He approached the girls, a little more nervous than he expected.
“Hi Dolapo, Phebean, can I talk to your friend?”
The girls looked at her, waiting for instructions, she nodded and they walked away.
“Hey.” He said. “May I sit?”
She smiled. “So you finally came, huh?”
“What?”
“We’ve attended the same extramural classes for how many months now?”
He could not believe what he was hearing. She’d been expecting for him to come?
“I can’t believe this.” He said. “I was worried talking to you would be difficult.”
“Why? Because I’m hot?”
“I would say beautiful and out of my league, but yeah, hot.”
“You think I’m out of your league?” She laughed.
“You don’t think so?”
“I’m not just out of your league, we don’t even play the same sport.”
“Okay, now I’m confused.”
She laughed and punched him lightly on the shoulder. This was going great. They were talking, joking and he wasn’t even that great at conversations. He’d told himself he was not getting into a relationship until he was in the University but this girl was giving him second thoughts.
“I’ve always wanted to ask you,” She started. “Why are you in Science class?”
“Don’t be fooled by my un-seriousness here, I’m not a terrible science student. I’ve had ‘B’ a couple of times in Chemistry.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about. I’ve read your blog, why aren’t you in Arts class?”
“You’ve read my blog?” That was a real surprise to him. “I don’t even share my posts like that.”
“Well, a friend showed me once and I’ve been checking it from time to time.”
“Wow.”
He wasn’t one for too much emotions but only Celine Dion could express the depth and height, length and breadth of what he feeling at the moment. She was beautiful, very funny and genuinely cared about him. Wait till University? Now, his second thoughts were having second thoughts. Why wait till the University when he’d already found the one.
“So, why aren’t you in Arts class?”
Before he could answer, the Biology teacher entered. He’d never been so annoyed to see a teacher in his whole life.
“I guess we’ll conclude this conversation after class then.” He said.
He went back to his seat, his legs barely carrying him. He could not believe he could fall so hard for a girl in such a short time. But sometimes, when you know, you know.
The lecture lasted thirty minutes and he spent every second of those minutes thinking of the best way to ask her out. It had to be perfect, it had to be special. He was smart, good with words when he decided to use them. And towards the end of the class he found the right words; the right way.
The class ended and he jumped off his chair, this was it. His Mom would be so proud. Maybe not right now, but in four years when he eventually introduced Tolu to her.
He got to her seat.
“Hi Tolu.” He said.
“Hey.” She said.
“So about our earlier discussion…” He started.
“I’m sorry Jerry, I have to go immediately.” She said. “My boyfriend is waiting to pick me up.”
He staggered backwards. “Your boyfriend?”
“He’s been waiting for a while, I can’t keep him any longer. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
She smiled and ran out of the class.
Jerry did not go back for any more of those extramural classes and needless to say, he failed his Jamb.