Dear Alex #LettersOfTheHeart

Dear Alex,
I am not one to gloat – especially over something I’m partly responsible for but I have to say; I told you so.
I warned you.
“This will not end well”, I said on the bus taking us to your house after our first date; I said it holding your hand and looking in your eyes – those sea-surface eyes that go from clear to stormy in moments. I said it again at the beach – just before you kissed me the first time; turning away so that your purple-lipstuck lips smeared my right cheek instead of my mouth.
Remember that first kiss?
I have to admit; that was my undoing. Till this day I query myself why I allowed you kiss me that day. I don’t know; maybe I finally decided to accept that I’ve been a wandering ship looking for a port to berth for too long. Maybe I was tired of being so strong over nothing.
Maybe I was just being a man.
Whatever the excuse, I sha kissed you back and that was it. Whatever my intent, leaning away from your lips and seeing the light in your eyes took away my resolve. I couldn’t tell you the kiss meant nothing; not after seeing you smile like I hadn’t seen you do – not in the two months I’d known you.
So I swallowed whatever reservations I had and played along.
I know too; your account of this sequence of events will be way different from mine. I puzzled over that for a while; I mean I wondered why a guy and a girl will tell two different accounts of the same breakup. After a while though it came to me; I understand now that women tend to remember it the most convenient way,
And that’s fine, but I would really be upset if you do not recount my reluctance to engage you in a romantic joust. I recall clearly how many times I mentioned some permutation of ‘this will not end well’ to you; to the point I started to sound like a broken record even to myself. So I kept quiet and went with it – and at some point I started to believe this time would be different. I started to think I had found my last bus stop; somewhere I could finally park my wahala.
Ah. So much for wishful thinking.
You did say I think too much.
But I had to let you go, Alex. Can you at least see that?
Can you understand that I didn’t and still do not require saving; most of all not by a soulful innocent such as you? I am comfortable with the man I am; I just hate that innocent bystanders such as yourself get caught up in my bullshit.
But I tried to save you from me. I tried.
The question I know will bother you for a while is; did things go the way they did because they were meant to, or did they go the way they did because I sat on my fat ass and did nothing?
You know, it bothered me for a bit too. Destiny and all that ‘meant to be’ crap. I’m tempted to say we weren’t meant to be – but selfish pride won’t allow me lie, not even to spare your dignity. You know for a truth that I do not believe in destiny; I believe it is whatever we make of it. So yes; maybe we ended the way we did because I refused to try – but I told you. I warned you.
You see, I know who I am.
What’s the point of this? Well, it came to my attention that you hate me very much because I refused to explain things to you. I didn’t give you closure, I just walked away.
Heh.
Would you want me to stand in front of you and tell it to your face that a scorpion in Lagos cannot be a crab in Bayelsa? Why you women kid yourselves and think you’re the missing mysterious ingredient in some guy’s life is beyond me. I hope you’ve learnt now – some guys are just born to be assholes.
Honestly however, I do not believe you’re angry. I don’t even think you’re aware that I exist. I saw your wedding pictures last week, and a happier bride I’m yet to see. So – maybe this is closure more for me than you; which is why you’ll never get to read this.
I need to let go too, you know.
I need to let go of you; let go of the knowledge that, once again I had the world in my hands and, instead of clearing the clutter so I could hold it properly I let it go so I could hold on to –
Hold on to nothing.
I need to accept that I once had everything that mattered; every form of happy available to man was mine for the taking.
I hadn’t even had to ask for it.
So I put these in words, close them away somewhere and open another bottle of Orijin and think of a time –
A time when I was loved.

Seun
7th of February 2016
4:12 am

7 thoughts on “Dear Alex #LettersOfTheHeart

  1. Awwwww! Sorry for your loss Seun,but you r indeed an asshole,just reconfirming your words. Just hold on,you will soon get a chance at the word perfection if you decide to be “less hole”.#winks# Beautifully written,job well done!

    Lord Josh,I’m still expecting my reply to the mail I sent you. Thank you!

  2. It is said that we cannot question our hearts bidding but we can check that our actions does not do its bidding for in the end it’s our actions that are judged. It becames the choice we make!
    With time people begin to define us by our actions-choices!
    Our heart is hidden, not questioned but we need to sit down and have that pep talk with it and ask it why it ever did whisper those things that promted our actions…it may not give us an answer immediately but with time it will speak and then we will know that we’ve always had the last say. That we could have ignored it or obliged it; so in the long run even when we are wrong or right we are responsible for our actions!
    I have mourned my actions so I understand these words you’ve penned down.
    We live to learn from the choice we make so I wish you well in the choice you’ll make next!
    Ciao!

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