I am not one to gloat – especially over something I’m partly responsible for but I have to say; I told you so.
I warned you.
“This will not end well”, I said on the bus taking us to your house after our first date; I said it holding your hand and looking in your eyes – those sea-surface eyes that go from clear to stormy in moments. I said it again at the beach – just before you kissed me the first time; turning away so that your purple-lipstuck lips smeared my right cheek instead of my mouth.
Remember that first kiss?
I have to admit; that was my undoing. Till this day I query myself why I allowed you kiss me that day. I don’t know; maybe I finally decided to accept that I’ve been a wandering ship looking for a port to berth for too long. Maybe I was tired of being so strong over nothing.
Maybe I was just being a man.
Whatever the excuse, I sha kissed you back and that was it. Whatever my intent, leaning away from your lips and seeing the light in your eyes took away my resolve. I couldn’t tell you the kiss meant nothing; not after seeing you smile like I hadn’t seen you do – not in the two months I’d known you.
So I swallowed whatever reservations I had and played along.
I know too; your account of this sequence of events will be way different from mine. I puzzled over that for a while; I mean I wondered why a guy and a girl will tell two different accounts of the same breakup. After a while though it came to me; I understand now that women tend to remember it the most convenient way,
And that’s fine, but I would really be upset if you do not recount my reluctance to engage you in a romantic joust. I recall clearly how many times I mentioned some permutation of ‘this will not end well’ to you; to the point I started to sound like a broken record even to myself. So I kept quiet and went with it – and at some point I started to believe this time would be different. I started to think I had found my last bus stop; somewhere I could finally park my wahala.
Ah. So much for wishful thinking.
You did say I think too much.
But I had to let you go, Alex. Can you at least see that?
Can you understand that I didn’t and still do not require saving; most of all not by a soulful innocent such as you? I am comfortable with the man I am; I just hate that innocent bystanders such as yourself get caught up in my bullshit.
But I tried to save you from me. I tried.
The question I know will bother you for a while is; did things go the way they did because they were meant to, or did they go the way they did because I sat on my fat ass and did nothing?
You know, it bothered me for a bit too. Destiny and all that ‘meant to be’ crap. I’m tempted to say we weren’t meant to be – but selfish pride won’t allow me lie, not even to spare your dignity. You know for a truth that I do not believe in destiny; I believe it is whatever we make of it. So yes; maybe we ended the way we did because I refused to try – but I told you. I warned you.
You see, I know who I am.
What’s the point of this? Well, it came to my attention that you hate me very much because I refused to explain things to you. I didn’t give you closure, I just walked away.
Would you want me to stand in front of you and tell it to your face that a scorpion in Lagos cannot be a crab in Bayelsa? Why you women kid yourselves and think you’re the missing mysterious ingredient in some guy’s life is beyond me. I hope you’ve learnt now – some guys are just born to be assholes.
Honestly however, I do not believe you’re angry. I don’t even think you’re aware that I exist. I saw your wedding pictures last week, and a happier bride I’m yet to see. So – maybe this is closure more for me than you; which is why you’ll never get to read this.
I need to let go too, you know.
I need to let go of you; let go of the knowledge that, once again I had the world in my hands and, instead of clearing the clutter so I could hold it properly I let it go so I could hold on to –
Hold on to nothing.
I need to accept that I once had everything that mattered; every form of happy available to man was mine for the taking.
I hadn’t even had to ask for it.
So I put these in words, close them away somewhere and open another bottle of Orijin and think of a time –
A time when I was loved.
7th of February 2016