Dear Tosin #LettersOfTheHeart

A few weeks ago, ‘’Hey Soul Sister’’ by Train was playing on the radio. The song took me back down memory lane to a period in my life I haven’t given any consideration to in the last two years.
It was second semester in our third year in the university, we were seated next to each other in a Financial Accounting class. Our seats were located in the middle of the class and considering our lecture’s bedroom voice it wasn’t the best choice.
I didn’t want to be the one that lost out on our current deal, so I was faking concentration, refusing to acknowledge that you were stealing long glances at me whenever you took a break from writing your note.
I wanted so bad to wrap my free hand in yours and let you trace circles on the inside of my palm but that would mean losing our deal and my pride was larger than my need for touching hands.
My fake concentration broke when you reached for your ear phones and placed them in my ears and the first line of the Train song blasted into my head ‘’Lip stick stain on theonont lope of my left side brain’’.
Hey we all know that nerd Ore would know the part of the brain responsible for love.
I broke into a smile and in that moment I am sure I loved you.
I know this is weird and I am the last person you are expecting a letter from, but don’t drop it just yet.
There is a point to this and it isn’t to win you back or drag up old emotions; listening to that song left me feeling guilty and there are a few things I like you to know so here goes.
It feels like I am writing to a stranger and this simple fact has me wondering if you still love milk or if you still take the most beautiful unassuming photographs of people but who am I kidding I know deep down that you would always love milk and photography makes up more than 50% of how you express yourself and share your beauty with the world.
What I really should be wondering about is what goes on in your day, how many new movies you have seen, which series you have gotten hooked on and what new artist is bringing your ear drums to life. I have lost the right to know these things, to have long conversations about nothing important, just the shared joy of  listening to the next person’s voice.
I am sure you have a tonne of questions for me after these two paragraphs but I am getting to the point of this letter and here goes. Sorry I didn’t accept your hand of friendship after our ‘’relationship’’ ended. Fun fact it took me so long to accept it and learn to say it out loud.
I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be friends with you to share any aspect of my life with you, I needed to grow without you, find out who I am and the possibilities available to me without you.
All of who I was at that point in my life was wrapped up tightly in you; I had lost my identity in you, my dreams each and every one had you in it. You had become my sun and I was willingly drawing light and direction from you.
I had to find myself, learn to dream for me and learn to love myself without you. Any relationship with you would have hindered the journey to self-discovery I needed to embark on. There was never a perfect time to explain any of this to you, heck I didn’t understand what was going on at the time.
I needed to be selfish to heal and I hope you can understand that.
I have moved on with my life; learnt to deal with life situations more maturely and more importantly learn to face life as a complete individual.  So I am just wondering how you are, how your dreams are panning out, and I have tried to turn off my wondering mind in your direction but I have come to the understanding that there is always a room that ‘’firsts’’ occupy though, it’s an ever shrinking space.
So feel free to reply ‘’Stranger Ore’s letter’’ or not, the ball is entirely in your court. Consider this an explanation, a peace offering of some sort and you are officially off the hook from the promises of the song ‘’The Only Exception’’.
From A Distant Part of Your Past

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