From the lips of the ex-side chick
“I Love You.”
It hurt so much to have these three words at the tip of my lips for so long but I could never tell you. Because you were not mine to love. Well, not in the way I wanted. *sigh*. I thought I could never get over you. I was the stalker side chick….always wondering when the next fight would happen. I made friends with her friends, her family members, everybody I knew who knew her automatically became my friend. Social Media became the bane of my life because all I saw were happy pictures of both of you. I had the happy façade of someone who couldn’t care less if you loved me or not, but deep down, oh deep down, there was that feeling of defeat, that desperate want of acceptance.
I would do anything for you.
The way my heart beat whenever you remembered me. I lived for those days when you came into my city; those days when you gave me one hour of your time. Of course we could not be seen together, I was fine with that. Every fight between the both of you brought feelings of hope and joy. I lived for those months when you guys would fight for weeks and not talk to each other. I did not see that you were miserable without her. I did not see that I was the second fiddle. I did not see that I was happy at someone’s sadness. Actually, I was not doing much seeing.
I became so close to her circle of friends that there was no way our paths would not have crossed. We met at a mutual friend’s (who I stalked) daughter’s naming ceremony. What struck me was her gracefulness. I was bent on being the hater, but I realized you really cannot hate on somebody who has only love to give. I could feel the jealousy ebbing away. I could feel the hatred seeping out. I felt ashamed of myself. I felt drawn to this natural, beautiful, sweet creature. I had to go meet her to ask “Who are you”. I hated you for giving me a bad impression of her. I hated myself for wanting to ruin her happiness.
I just wanted to be her friend.
She took me in, and we became really close. We went for functions and events together. We bought gifts for each other. We travelled around the world together under the aegis of her company.
You became really suspicious of our friendship. You were afraid I was going to out you. To be honest, I was tempted to do it for a long time. I realized you were not the god I made you out to be. I realized I was way better without you. I realized I was holding myself back from a lot of things because of you. I realized you were toxic to my system.
I realized too late.
You were not the one for me. I felt the guilt eating me up. I had to confess to my friend. After praying for forgiveness and protection (I needed the protection because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned), I took her to the city park where the most dangerous thing was the blade of the grass we were stepping on (because, woman scorned…) and burst in tears. She held me close and rocked me like a baby till I composed myself, and I told her everything.
With tears in my eyes, I told her about how I was the side chick for so long and I just wanted her to be unhappy and how I just needed to tell her so that we could start over again. I told her a lot of things, and when I cleaned the tears from my eyes, her back was turned away from me. I called her name, she turned to me, smiled and said