So, I had this big plan for Valentine’s Day. I am not particularly sure if it was for last year or this one but one thing I was certain of was that I wanted you in it. But, before I forget my manners, which is almost typical of me these days, how are you doing? (I am sure you are fine; and this is as literally as it comes.)
Back to my plan, I was going to ‘break the ice’ because this thing they say about the unsaid words being the ones that hurt is true. I have had to live with the words echoing in my head seeking for an avenue to be heard. Just wanting to say – I loved you.
Was I wrong not to have said it earlier? Or maybe it was for the best. I knew the signs…I was sure they meant something. Eye contacts. Brushing of palms against each other. Bumping into each other. Accidental locking of heads (those ones did hurt). Long talks. Long walks. You’d tell me about your fears and frustrations and I’d always be there to tell you that it would be fine. I would always be there to make it fine. I saw beneath the perfect guy everyone knew. I saw the vulnerable one…the one afraid of being hurt…the one who’d let me see it all. I knew I completed you. This sure had to count for something…yeah?
Then the long silence came. You’d shut me out with no reason leaving me with questions that would never get answered. I’d probe myself to figure out what I might have done wrong and I always arrived at the same answer…nothing. I loved you so much that the silence and spaces between us became toxic for me.
Days went by and I slowly started to find some strength. I crawled back into my hole and tried to heal…just when I was about to shut the door, you’d poke your head half-in with a smile so warm that it’d sweep my fears and pain away and I’d forget that your silence once made my heart bleed. I was not surprised with your return because you always returned when I was at my lowest. Did you love seeing me broken?
But then, it’s you George…so I knew I’d always need that hole again for the next silence because it felt okay to hurt for you.
So I wondered why you preferred to have your walls and heart guarded while I let mine down. Darling, I could have built walls too.
I wondered why I was the one who felt vulnerable even though you were the one who told your fears.
I wondered why you’d push me away so much that hurting was no longer a solution for me. I had to run away for my own sanity.
Maybe you could have said something and not let us grow apart…
But then, we ran out of words and then I ran out of love and then we ran out of us…
We lost ourselves and I lost my strength…and I lost the will to keep holding on so tight to nothing.
So we became strangers once again and all I was left with were the ‘what ifs’…
What if we were not so proud and exploited the spaces between us into a love so pure that we only could understand?
What if you didn’t act as though you were the only one who could make decisions for us?
What if you didn’t make it hard for me to love you?
What if I never bottled my anger and pains in fear of losing you forever?
What if we were not a tale of bitter-sweet symphonies?
What if you had shown me that you loved me too?
I could not continue with the ‘what ifs’ because there are no justification for loosing yourself in the process of saving another. So I learnt not to hurt again because there is no reason why anyone should choose this kind of love. I bore my scars and fought to mend my broken soul. My walls came back up. My heart fully guarded once again.
Never again would I let me down.
George, a lot has changed since I last saw you and I have come to realise that I was in love with my idea of you. I’m sorry I expected too much from you.
Anyway, I am proud of the woman I am becoming…and no, I won’t be waiting for you.