LORD J J C: MY FIRST WEEK IN LAGOS

Lagos, whew! I once told people I could never stay in Lagos. I had good reason to say so. I was bred and buttered in Ilorin, one of the most peaceful, coolest and sometimes boringest cities in Nigeria. In Ilorin, u pick taxis, if the driver refuses to reverse to where you are standing, you let it go. If you stop a taxi and you discover it is not so good, you can dismiss the cab with a wave of your hand and stop another. A drop is fifty naira. And you don’t even take buses, that’s for the market women. The worst traffic situations in Ilorin will make the regular Lagos person laugh. So, no, Lagos wasn’t the place for me, I don’t like stress.

But here I am, in Lagos, and Lagos had a special welcome prepared for me. I’ll try and summarize, I said I’ll try.

THE GOOD and beautiful.

Staying in Lagos has its perks, if it didn’t, nobody will stay here. I have experienced some of them, things I have enjoyed. First, I got to attend a faith seminar I had lost hope of attending. I would have downloaded the message but it’s not the same. You might not get this, some of you might, just go on with me.

Secondly, I’ve been in meetings with people I only see on Twitter. Those people usually won’t come to Ilorin, nah, they won’t. Lagos opens the world to you. This isn’t a Lagos versus Ilorin thing, so my Ilorin folks, calm down, I’m still an Ilorin boy.

Thirdly, I’ve met great people doing great things, and very quietly too. There are folks like that in Ilorin, but then…. My colleagues, are the kind of people you would want to work with. They’re even thinking of getting me an Eve in their garden, ahem…if you don’t get that, gerrof my blog. Just joking. I even saw Being Mrs Elliot…I’ve been looking forward to it, pardon moi.

Lemme stop here before you start thinking Lagos is the place to be.

THE BAD and terrible.

Ehen….

Tuesday, my first full day at work, I wore my nice suit, pink tie (forget, it was dope) and headed to work. As we approached CMS, it started raining. Thank God it wasn’t much, beat me just a little. Got to the office, had a great day, had one of those meetings I talked about earlier. But then having those meeting meant we closed by 6PM. My nice colleague suggested we wait for a free ride, we did and eventually left Lekki by 7PM. Needless to say to Lagos folks, I didn’t have it funny. We stayed in this traffic ehn, it was serious. My Dad (who stays in Ilorin) called me, I didn’t pick because I knew how the conversation would go. (He thinks going to Lag isn’t such a good idea). Eventually I got home after 10PM. And that is because I stay at Fadeyi (close to Yaba).

Wednesday was cool, had a meeting in Sabo, so I didn’t go to the Island.

Thursday, hmm…no suit on Thursday, wore my shirt tucked into my jean with a pair of almost-suede shoes. There was no ish between Fadeyi and CMS, by the time we got to Toll gate, it began to rain. As we moved closer to Lekki, the rain got heavier, I started praying. Well, the rain did not stop. I begged the bus driver to drop me in front of my office, but no he had to obey the law and drop me at the bus stop. Rain beat me that day like say tomorrow no dey (if you’re not Nigerian, sorry). I dripped into the office, the clerk mopped and mopped. Thank God nobody  tried to put on the AC.

Fast forward to Saturday and I had to attend a wedding in Ikorodu. I was already scared of the traffic on that route but fortunately, I didn’t experience that at all. But our bus got bashed. The basher didn’t stop, so our driver parked the bus in the middle of the road and chased the guy. He ran ehn, at last he caught the guy. He brought him back with slaps and blows, that other driver (a danfo driver too) was just too slack jare.

On my way back, another danfo jammed our danfo again. I just smiled like, Lagos what are you trying to say? This one didn’t come to slaps and blows but it took time ehn before our stubborn driver let the other guy go. I also saw a stupid girl challenge a soldier to beat her, like I said, a stupid girl.

Lemme stop there, abeg.

THE UGLY and the just darn horrible.

I’m gonna dedicate this to Friday. So what horrible thing happened? Did I get robbed? Did I get mugged? Did I get kidnapped? Nope! I got LOST!!!

Yes o, I got lost. Okay lemme explain. I closed at 5, and took a bus headed for Obalende, 100 naira. Here’s where the problem happened. I got a call from one of my colleagues and while I was busy with the call we got to a bus stop and I heard the conductor say Obalende, I thought he meant it was the bus stop so I came down. It was the beginning of my troubles. Okay, so I asked directions from a Latsma dude and he told me to take a bus to CMS so I did. I got to CMS and another wahala started, didn’t find where to get the bus to Fadeyi. When I asked, I was told to move forward. I moved forward and forward and forward and didn’t find any Fadeyi o. it was getting dark and when I found a bus going to Obalende, I took it. The sad thing was, getting to Fadeyi from Obalende was supposed to be the easy part but chai, your boy didn’t find any bus o. To cut this already long story short, I had to take a bus to Ojuelegba, took another to Jibowu before I now took one to Fadeyi. Eventually spent over 500 bucks to get home. Got home around 9PM!

I went from Lord Josh to Lost Josh!

Anyway, Lagos has been great, and all the bad and the ugly part I have decided to see as funny (I ain’t laughing though)

My conclusion: Lagos is dope! Lagos is crazy!! Lagos is the place to be!!!

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  1. I know you wrote this ages ago. But I’ve been stalking your blog and I just came across this . I really can’t just pass by. This is just hilarious and I can relate. God knows how many times I’ve gotten lost; I’ve spent triple the amount because i wasnt ‘sharp’ (Na mumu Lagos like) and how many times Google maps has helped save me (Praise God!)

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